Solomon’s story really amazes me, as well as David’s.
For a long time, I had been dealing with grudges and anger and the feeling of being disrespected, talked about, and ridiculed by people I thought were friends.
Why I thought they were friends amazes me now.
Growing up, I was the youngest child. Everyone was older than me. Basically, I was raised by my grandparents, to put it in perspective.
No one really bothered to check me or tell me, “Don’t do that. Don’t go there.” I didn’t have a male figure like that in my life.
I was an easy child as well. But as I grew up, I started hanging out with people I thought were friends. I know now they were only using me for what I provided at the time.
For a long time, that gave me anxiety and panic attacks because, at some point in my life, those same friends really went out of their way to smear and hurt my reputation because of jealousy.
And they had the reputation at the time.
The funny thing is, when they were doing it, I didn’t even know what was happening.
I Know Now Why I Stayed
As I disassociated myself from those friends, I started realizing something about myself.
I know now that the reason I stayed was because I was afraid of being lonely.
And when I left, I did go into that loneliness journey, which became a journey of its own.
I never really understood why I was so afraid and fearful.
I acted as if I wasn’t, but I was a very scared person. Just paranoid all the time.
And it bothered me.
I saw others just braving it. I saw how easy it was for them to make friends, and that wasn’t me. Slowly, it started to erode my self-esteem and whatever it is that makes a person not be so fearful.
I think that fear of being alone kept me around those friends longer than I probably should have been.
Looking back, it’s so funny how the things that made you scared, or what you thought was so significant, can later look so small.
And the only One who matters and has always mattered is God.
Being Alone Became a Journey of Its Own
When I went through that loneliness journey, God was always with me.
I feel like loneliness really is a journey.
In my case, I think about Elijah and how he was struggling with his own loneliness. It used to amaze me how someone so blessed and powerful could go through that kind of journey.
I had experienced loneliness, but I didn’t understand yet what I would learn through it. At the time, I was just trying to get through the day.
Learning From Teachers, Books, and Writers
Honestly, it was through my own journey that I found amazing individuals whose teachings and books I learned from.
One of my favorite teachers was Dr. Myles Munroe. I also listened to Derek Prince, Joyce Meyer, T.D. Jakes, and so many others.
But it was because of that time that I started opening up my Bible.
I started learning about things that I probably would never have learned otherwise.
What is intercession?
What is prayer?
What is spiritual warfare?
Even though I was reading daily, it still took time for me to process it and understand what those things really meant.
It didn’t happen immediately.
But I was learning.
The books helped. But it wasn’t just about what an author could explain. I needed time to understand it for myself.
Finding God Was Not Something I Understood Immediately
There was a time when I would look at other people and wonder why making friends looked so easy for them.
For me, it wasn’t.
And when that goes on for a long time, it can start affecting how you see yourself.
But now I can look back at that same period differently.
I was afraid of loneliness.
I stayed around those friends because I was afraid of being lonely.
Then when I finally separated myself from them, I became lonely anyway.
But that loneliness was also where I started learning more about God.
That’s where I started opening Scripture.
That’s where I started learning what prayer really was.
That’s where I started understanding intercession and spiritual warfare.
That’s where I started listening to teachers who helped me understand things about God that I didn’t understand before.
So when I look back now, I can see that God was doing something even though I didn’t understand it at the time.
God is present even when we don’t recognize what He is doing. I can see that more clearly now than I could then.
I Wish I Had Appreciated Some Seasons More
I also look back sometimes and wish I had been more appreciative of the time I was living in.
I think I took a lot of it for granted.
For example, my cousin had moved from Michigan, and I hadn’t seen him for probably half my life.
He was older than me.
When I moved to Texas, he had already moved there shortly before me.
I was applying at a hotel at the time, and he had already been hired there.
He called out to me, and I honestly thought I somehow knew him from school.
He laughed and reminded me that he was my cousin.
I didn’t have a car then, and he came every day, picked me up, and dropped me off.
He made friends easily. Because we worked together, I always hung out with him while he was still living in Texas.
When he left, everything changed.
Almost everyone I knew either left, or we just never stayed in touch.
So much has changed.
Sometimes I get amazed by how quickly time changes everything.
And I think we need to be very serious about our time.
Looking Back Shows Me How Much Has Changed
I’m at a point now where, because I have experienced so much change, sometimes I get this tightening feeling when I look back and then look forward.
Especially when you see your children growing.
My goodness, how much I have changed.
God has truly saved me.
If it wasn’t for the mercy, grace, love, and forgiveness of God, I would not be here.
If God hadn’t blessed me with a spouse like mine, I honestly don’t know where I would have ended up.
Sometimes I think about that and I get fear-struck because I cannot imagine living this life without my family and without God.
But since God had ordained it, it came to life in its own time.
And I believe everything happens for a reason.
Why I Am Sharing This Through These Articles
At one time, I learned from someone else’s books. Now I am putting parts of my own journey into articles.
I’m not saying I have everything figured out because I am an author of my own story here. I’m sharing what happened to me and what I am still learning.
Maybe someone else is going through loneliness and wondering why it feels so hard.
I know what that felt like.
The Fear of Being Alone Doesn’t Look the Same Anymore
When I think about those friendships now, I don’t just think about what those friends did.
I also think about why I stayed.
And for me, the answer was loneliness.
I was afraid of being alone.
Then I went through loneliness anyway.
But that loneliness ended up taking me through a journey where I started learning more about God, learning about prayer, learning Scripture, learning about spiritual warfare, and understanding things that I probably would not have understood otherwise.
At the time, I couldn’t see it that way.
I was just going through it.
But looking back, I understand more now.
Sometimes the things we are most afraid of are not the end of our story.
God may not take away our loneliness immediately. But that does not mean He has left us.
And sometimes God can redeem seasons we could only see as painful at the time.
I’m still learning.
But when I look at my life now compared to where I was then, all I can really say is that God has been merciful to me.