As a parent, I have constantly found myself trying to perfect things for my child.
It’s like your mind thinks it can control time and every situation in your child’s life.
And I’ve even seen myself doing it with my spouse.
“Drive this way.”
“Don’t do this.”
“Do it this way.”
Constantly trying to control things and situations.
And I can tell you, it is exhausting.
The funny thing is, when you really think about it, it’s so ridiculous to believe that we have control over everything.
But I think for me, a lot of that control came from fear.
My faith in God was there. But so was my need to check everything. I wanted to trust Him, but I also wanted to know exactly how everything would turn out.
Fear Made Letting Go Difficult
For a long time, I was in constant fear and panic.
Fear, shame, guilt from my past, life’s worries—all sorts of feelings mixed together.
I never really understood why I was so afraid and fearful. I acted as if I wasn’t.
But I was a very scared person. Just paranoid all the time.
And it bothered me.
I think when you have gone through things in life, sometimes you start trying to prevent every possible bad thing from happening. Especially when you become a parent.
All of a sudden, it’s not just about you anymore.
You’re thinking about your child. You’re thinking about your spouse. You’re thinking about the future.
And your mind starts believing that if you just research enough, plan enough, check enough, or control enough, somehow you can make everything work out perfectly.
That was me.
When we are fearful, losing control can feel like we are leaving the door open for something bad to happen. But my fear wasn’t giving me the protection I thought it was.
I needed God in the middle of that fear. I needed to trust Him there, too.
Finding a Preschool Became a Whole Journey
I remember trying to get my child into preschool.
I tell you, I literally looked at every preschool in my area—and then some.
My child had been home with me and my spouse until age four because we did not want to send our child early. So when it finally came time to find a preschool, it was extremely hard for me to trust any school.
I researched. I checked reviews. I looked at school after school after school.
Finally, after what felt like a gruesome search, we found one we felt comfortable with.
And even then, I used to drive about 30 or 40 minutes to that school, even though there were schools much closer to where we lived.
I would take him there. Then I would go back to drop off his lunch. Then I would go right back and pick him up.
Looking back at it now, I know I was projecting some of my own fear and insecurity.
But I also know the research was one of the best things we did.
And I think that distinction has been important for me.
Doing the Research, Then Learning to Trust God
I don’t regret researching the school. Actually, I’m glad we did.
As parents, I think we should do our homework. We should ask questions. We should pay attention. We should try to make the best decision we can for our children.
But after we found the school and did everything we could reasonably do, I didn’t have to keep carrying it that much.
That is what I understand differently now.
After we have done what we can, the rest is God’s.
God has His own purpose and reason. At some point, you just have to let God take the driver’s seat.
And I am still learning that.
I can use the resources available to me and make a thoughtful decision. But no amount of research gives me what only God has. I still have to trust Him with what I cannot know.
I Thought I Could Control Every Situation
It’s amazing what fear will make your mind believe.
You start thinking:
What if this happens?
What if they do this?
What if I picked the wrong school?
What if I should have done something differently?
What if something happens when I’m not there?
And somehow you start believing that if you remain involved in every little thing, maybe nothing can go wrong.
But we don’t have that kind of control.
Anything can happen in life. That used to scare me.
Actually, it still can scare me.
But as I’ve gotten older, honestly speaking, I’ve started understanding that when you leave what belongs to God with God, there is a sense of relief.
Only God is in control.
And there is something freeing about finally admitting that.
I cannot control God or make Him give me every answer ahead of time. Faith means I can trust His wisdom even when I don’t understand everything.
Letting Go in My Marriage, Too
It wasn’t just parenting.
I could see it in how I interacted with my spouse too.
“Drive this way.”
“Don’t do this.”
“Do this.”
Sometimes you think you’re helping. In your mind, you’re protecting the people you love. You’re trying to make sure everything goes the right way.
But constantly trying to control situations is exhausting.
It’s exhausting for you. And I can imagine it can also become exhausting for the people around you.
That’s something I’ve had to look at in myself.
Because sometimes what I called being protective probably had fear underneath it.
And I didn’t always recognize that.
There is freedom in giving someone room to make a decision without correcting every little thing. My marriage needs that room, too. I can love my spouse and trust God without giving instructions all the time.
Responsibility and Surrender Are Different
Before becoming a parent, there were things about myself I probably never really examined.
But parenthood has a way of exposing things.
Now you have this human being you love more than you can explain.
You want everything to be right for them. You want to protect them. You want to make the right decisions. You want to teach them correctly.
You don’t want them making the same mistakes you made.
And if you already have fear inside you, that love can sometimes turn into trying to control everything around them.
That’s where I think I had to start separating two things: responsibility and control.
I am responsible for my child. I am responsible for doing my best. I am responsible for researching, teaching, and being present.
But I am not God.
And that last part can be difficult to accept when you really love somebody.
Surrendering control does not mean I stop doing those things. It means I stop expecting myself to do what only God can do.
That is surrender for me. Doing my part, then leaving room for God.
Trusting God With What I Cannot See
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to realize that God is the source of life.
Only He truly knows what is going to happen. Only He knows the purpose behind things. Only He can see what I cannot see.
And honestly, wanting to get closer to God has helped me tremendously with fear and anxiety.
It is still helping me.
I’m not saying I suddenly became the person who never worries. I haven’t.
I’m still learning this.
But I can tell there has been a difference.
There is a difference between:
“I have to make sure nothing goes wrong.”
And:
“I have done everything I know how to do. Now I have to trust God.”
That second way of living has brought me much more peace.
Trusting God requires you to accept that you will not always have every answer. At least, that is what I am learning.
My faith cannot depend on knowing every outcome first. God knows what I do not know. I can trust Him without seeing everything He sees.
Now I’m Preparing for Homeschooling
I’m also on the journey of possibly homeschooling our child in the near future.
I know it’s going to be interesting. And I’m preparing myself.
Part of that preparation is getting myself into the discipline of becoming a teacher, while also trying to find like-minded parents near us who want to teach and raise their children the Christian way.
I think about what I want my child to learn. I think about Christian values. I think about the environment around him. I think about his education.
I think about everything.
But I also don’t want to become too much on my child.
That is something I’m thinking about even now.
Because I know myself.
I know how easy it is for my mind to go from:
“I want to do a good job.”
To:
“I need to make sure every single thing is perfect.”
And those are not necessarily the same thing.
I want the Bible to be part of what he learns. I want him to understand faith in God, not just see me worrying about everything.
There are resources I can use and people I can learn from. I don’t have to figure out every part by myself.
Preparing Him While Learning to Release Control
That is probably one of the things I think about the most.
I know I have projected my own fear and insecurity before. I don’t want my child to inherit every fear I have had.
I want him to have wisdom. I want him to know God. I want him to understand Christian values. I want him to be prepared.
But I also want him to be able to live.
I don’t want my fear to become his fear.
And I think part of becoming a better parent for me is learning the difference between guiding my child and trying to control every outcome in his life.
Because I can guide. I can teach. I can protect. I can prepare. I can bring my child and my family to God in prayer.
But I cannot control time and every situation in my child’s life.
Only God can see all of that.
Releasing control is something I have to practice. I want my child to see faith in how I respond, too. Not perfection. Just a parent who is learning to turn to God.
Looking Back Gives Me Perspective
It’s so funny how you can look back at your life and see things that made you scared—things you thought were so significant—and now they look so small.
At the time, they did not feel small. They felt enormous.
That’s something I try to remember when I’m worrying about something now.
There have been so many situations I thought were going to be everything.
And then life moved. Time passed. God brought me through it.
And now I can barely understand why I was so afraid.
That doesn’t mean the next fear automatically disappears. But it gives you perspective.
You start realizing that the only One who mattered then, matters now, and will matter tomorrow is God.
I can remember what God has already brought me through. That helps me put today into perspective and focus on the decision in front of me.
Surrender Does Not Always Feel Comfortable
I think that is important to admit, too.
You can have faith and still not actually feel calm right away. You can choose to let go of control and still find your mind reaching for it again.
That doesn’t mean you have to pretend.
You can open your Bible with questions. You can ask God for help. You can return to what you know about God when your feelings are pulling you somewhere else.
Reading the Bible or doing a Bible study is not about collecting enough information to guarantee an easy life. I want what I learn about God to change how I live.
For me, surrender is something I keep coming back to. Sometimes I have to remind myself again: God sees this. I do not have to carry every possible outcome.
After Doing My Part, I Can Rest
That is probably the biggest thing I am learning.
Do the research. Do your responsibility. Be there for your child. Make the best decision you know how to make.
Pray. Prepare. Pay attention.
But after you have done what you can, the rest is God’s.
I could research every preschool. I could read every review. I could drive farther. I could drop off lunch. I could check everything.
And there would still come a point where my child had to walk into that school and I had to trust Him.
I think life is like that in a lot of ways.
We do what we can. And then we have to release what we cannot control.
When we relinquish control over outcomes we cannot guarantee, we can still remain present and responsible. We can rest without walking away from what matters.
That is something I am still learning.
But just letting God take the driver’s seat has already helped me tremendously with lowering my anxiety and fear.
And I think I needed to learn that not just as a parent, but as a person.